The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work [图书] 豆瓣 谷歌图书
作者: John Gottman PhD / Nan Silver Harmony 2015 - 5
With more than a million copies sold worldwide, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages.
John Gottman's unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy.
Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.
Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

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在心理治疗开始显示其有效性的时候,人们发现婚姻咨询失败率却很高。许多在个人咨询中有效的技术策略,在婚姻疗愈中往往不起作用。研究者们一开始关注导致婚姻失败的因素并采取各种方法补救,收效甚微。真正的改变,则发生在研究者们开始关注使婚姻幸福的因素之后。

在《安娜卡列尼娜》的开场,托尔斯泰说「幸福的家庭都是相似的,不幸的家庭各有各的不幸」。当相似在何处呢?作者在西雅图建立了“Love Lab”,专门观察婚姻中伴侣的行为互动以及当时的生理指标。在大量研究下,找出了幸福婚姻的7个原则。

幸福婚姻的前三步,是在自日常生活中应用如下原则:1.做出努力去了解伴侣,2.保持对对方的喜欢或者仰慕,3.每次交流都抱着拉近彼此的目的。在此基础上,学会作为团队来进行决定:原则4.接受彼此对自己的影响,而不是一意孤行。这4个原则会为婚姻打下坚实的基础,可以面对冲突的打击了。

面对冲突时,首先要分清楚哪些是一过性的和反复出现的,书中称为solvable(可解决的)和perpetual(永久性的)。判断标准取决于双方在面对它时采取的态度与行动。如果还能就事论事,就是solvable的。如果总是跳出具体的事件,诉诸情绪,攻击对方人格,则代表其背后有深层次的甚至无法调和的冲突。

原则5,学会“问题解决策略”应对solvable问题;原则6,用求同存异的方法面对永久性问题。如此,永久的性的冲突也会使得婚姻遭到破坏。

最后,原则7,是建立家庭的共同意义。

进入婚姻咨询的人都有救,因为他们还有意愿为挽救婚姻做努力。成功的关键,是找回彼此的结婚初心,重建彼此的好感。先成为情绪稳定的成年人,再成为朋友,再成为伴侣。

其实,幸福的家庭也是各有千秋。在本书的原则下,有许多切实可行的联系,帮助伴侣认识自己和对方,共建属于自己家庭的幸福和意义。