a review of 吸血鬼3000

𝖍𝖔𝖔𝖕𝖙𝖔𝖇𝖊𝖗 𝖝 𝖓𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖘𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖊𝖓: And then there was Dracula 3000. Oof. I've got lots of disconnected notes from this one, because I kept having to pause and dictate my inner monologue directly to my phone. I'll try to give you the highlights.

1. This movie starts with a title card that says "50 years later" when literally nothing has happened yet, save for a partially-scrambled FaceTime from Udo Kier playing over the opening credits. More on this further down.
2. The characters are all introduced to us by showing us their character sheets as though this is a LARP at an SF convention. Nonsensically, half the cast are named after characters from Bram Stoker's Dracula ("Capt. Abraham van Helsing", "Chief Navigator Mina Murry"). The other half are named after things from Playstation shooters, like "Humvee" and "187."
3. Once that's out of the way, the first scene has everybody either wearing totally face-covering respirator masks or in such tight closeup that it looks like they're shimmying through a drain pipe together. Making matters worse, they're all immediately unlikable characters, either due to casual racism/sexism/ableism towards their crewmates, or for being played as awful regressive stereotypes themselves.
4. We keep flashing back to the Udo Kier video blogs, which I guess are the sole link this movie has to the epistolary nature of the original novel. Either way, it literally looks like the filmmakers have taken Udo hostage and he is doing his part under severe duress. On one hand, maybe that's method acting, on the other hand he just looks like he need a cigarette.
5. When Dracula finally appears in the movie, he is represented by an actor who looks like somebody's stepdad wearing a plastic vampire cape from the Walgreen's Halloween aisle.
6. The nearish-future space-trucker aesthetic of the movie is clearly meant to remind us of the Alien films, which is hilarious when you replace the xenomorph with somebody's stepdad in a plastic vampire cape.
7. The entire movie ends with the same kind of dignified narrative cohesion as one of Tracy Morgan's "Astronaut Jones" sketches on SNL.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sjMWuF4Z44