巴西自赏黑金属乐队
This album is about me coming to the realization that I don't have many years left in my life. No matter how much time passes by, the thought of suicide is as clear as the first time it ran by me when I was 14. I've been doing therapy every week, I've tried more than 20 different types of medicine, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti psychotics and anxiolytics; none of them seem to work for me. Maybe they do, but I'm so broken inside that nothing will ever be good enough.
Even if things start to get better and I think that maybe there is a chance for me, It's just a preparation for a bigger fall into the nothingness that makes me who I am. Everyday I have to deal with my bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and social anxiety: they all cripple and incapacitate me. Oftentimes I struggle to even breathe or be a functional human being. I'm tired of cutting every part of the body that I hate, I'm tired of numbing myself with alcohol and drugs, I'm tired of taking 2 mg of xanax every time I can't stand being awake anymore.
Every day I wake up longing for the time when I sleep, when all of this pain goes away, to retreat to my dreams that aren't shattered yet.
I've been experiencing a lot of hypnagogic hallucinations lately, they appear as I lay down with my eyes closed trying to force myself to sleep.
This is where this album stands; an attempt to recreate the colors and atmosphere of the last state of consciousness that I could take.
Some animes like Welcome to the NHK and Serial Experiments Lain and some movies like Chungking Express, Paprika and Mulholland Drive were crucial in helping me create the dream-like, (almost) surreal imagery of this album. The music that I listen to and the music that I make are the last things that give a sense of meaning to my meaningless life, the last things keeping me from ending it all today.
To all of you who feel the same, I hope this album helps to get through at least one more day.