It's the early 1990s, the Northern Ireland peace process is taking its faltering first steps, and INLA man Mad Padraic is hard at work pulling out the toenails of Belfast drug pusher James, when the news comes through that his beloved cat, Wee Thomas, is poorly. So instead of slicing off James's right nipple, as planned, he heads back home to the island of Inishmore. But when he arrives at the family home, he discovers that Wee Thomas isn't sick, but has had his brains squeezed out like toothpaste. Padraic, a man considered too mad for the IRA and sorely trying the patience of his INLA comrades, is intent on revenge, even if that means wiping out his own father. Just as he's about to put a bullet through Dad's head, there's an unexpected knock at the door. The plot is set in 1993 on the island of Inishmore, County Galway, Ireland.[2]
Scene 1
Donny's House. Davey, a pudgy, long-haired teenager, has brought his middle-aged neighbor Donny the corpse of Donny's cat, Wee Thomas, which he has found lying in the road. The cat has been badly mangled; its brains fall out as they examine it. Donny accuses Davey of running it over with his mother's bicycle, which Davey vehemently denies. Donny reveals, to Davey's horror, that Wee Thomas did not belong to him but to his son, Padraic. The cat had been his only friend for fifteen years. Davey pleads with Donny to not involve him, as Padraic, a Lieutenant in the INLA, has an insanely violent temper. (He was thrown out of the IRA for "being too mad.") Donny agrees to keep it secret, but only if Davey admits he killed the cat. Davey half-heartedly confesses to, although only due to Donny's insistence. Donny then plans to call Padraic, who is working in Northern Ireland blowing up Chip Shops, to tell him that Wee Thomas is sick. Davey does not understand the purpose of the call, so Donny explains that he is letting his son down easy, planning to tell him later that the cat died. Davey agrees and leaves as Donny begins to phone Padraic.
Scene 2
A warehouse in Northern Ireland, where Padraic has James, a drug dealer, hung upside down from the ceiling. Padraic has removed two of James' toenails. James insults Padraic after being lectured on the evils of distributing marijuana to good Catholic children (as opposed to selling to Protestant children, which Padraic deems marginally acceptable). Abruptly, Padraic decides to cut off one of James' nipples, letting him choose which one. Just before he starts cutting, Padraic gets the call from Donny saying that Wee Thomas is doing poorly and off his food. Padraic breaks down into tears and screams that he will be on the first boat back to Inishmore. He then shoots his mobile phone to pieces. James suggests that Wee Thomas may have ringworm and suggests ringworm tablets in some cheese, as his cat had the same problem a month or two back. When he realizes that James loves his cat, Padraic releases him after extracting a promise not to sell more marijuana, and gives him money for the bus to the hospital.
Scene 3
The Road. Davey is tinkering with his bicycle when his younger sister Mairead shoots him in the cheek with her air rifle for hurting Wee Thomas. Davey attempts to explain that his innocence and accuses Mairead of being mad for shooting the eyes out of ten cows in an earlier incident. Mairead, who is 16, explains it was her version of terrorism against the meat industry. She continues to accuse Davey of the death of Wee Thomas. In the discussion, it becomes clear that she is in love with Padraic and shares both his political stances and his devotion to cats. Davey explains that Donny has him searching the countryside for another black cat to replace Wee Thomas. Their argument is interrupted by Christy, a tall, sinister-looking man with an eyepatch. He says that he is a friend of Padraic, and also accuses Davey of killing Wee Thomas. Again, Davey denies this. He also tells Christy that Padraic will be back the next day at noon. Christy leaves, but not before again accusing Davey of murdering the cat deliberately. In response, Mairead destroys Davey's bike.
Scene 4
Donny's House. Having been unable to find a black cat to impersonate Wee Thomas, Davey has stolen Mairead's cat Sir Roger (who is orange). They attempt to paint the cat black with shoe polish. Donny and Davey both agree that the plan is unlikely to work, but are running out of time and options. The two are drunk, and bond over their shared love of eating shoe polish. They agree that if their plan fails, Padraic will kill them.
Scene 5
The Road. Christy and two other men, Brendan and Joey, sit eating beans. It is revealed that they are members of INLA (a splinter group of the IRA) come to assassinate Padraic. Joey is sullen and unhappy with the other two for killing Wee Thomas, an act necessary to lure Padraic back to Inishmore and set him off guard. The three bicker sharply, and there is a brief Mexican stand-off before cooler heads prevail. They set off to await Padraic's return, not knowing their conversation has been overheard by Mairead.
Scene 6
The Docks. It is very early in the morning. Padriac gets off the boat to discover Mairead waiting for him, singing "The Patriot Game", an old IRA ballad. He recognizes her and mocks her for her lack of femininity, dismissing her ambitions to join the fight to Free Ireland despite her protestations that she is a crack shot. She attempts to flirt with him and he rejects her advances. She sullenly delivers a message from Donny: that Wee Thomas is "over the worst of it." In Padraic's joy at the good news, he kisses her. She grabs him and deepens the kiss. Confused, he begins the long walk back into town and she once again begins to sing "The Patriot Game."
Scene 7
Donny's House. Davey and Donny, exhausted and now seriously drunk, decide to call it a night. They will put the finishing touches on the cat the next morning before Padraic arrives. Davey has made a cross to mark Wee Thomas' grave. Donny instructs Davey several times to wake him at nine AM, and they go to sleep.
Scene 8
Donny's House. Noon. Davey has failed to wake up Donny in time, and they are still asleep when Padraic arrives. He finds the grave marker, flies into a rage, wakes them up and demands to know where the cat is. They indicate the decoy, claiming it has a disease that makes it smell like shoe polish and "get all orangey". Padraic isn't fooled and angrily shoots the cat, blowing it to pieces. He ties up both his father and Davey and is finally told that Wee Thomas is dead. He is prepared to shoot them both for letting the cat die in their care when the three INLA agents burst into the room and hold him at gunpoint. The gunmen bind his hands. They tell Padraic that he has angered the group with his brutal maiming of a drug dealer under their protection, and also with his talk of forming a splinter group from their splinter group. It is also discovered that Padraic is responsible for Christy's missing eye. Davey taunts the bound Padraic, causing him to fly into a rage. As he is dragged outside, he promises that he will be back to kill them. Donny and Davey, still nervous, express relief that it appears to be over when shots fire off stage. The three agents come running back into the house, their eyes shot out by Mairead. They fire outside the house blindly. Padraic and Mairead walk calmly into the house, holding hands. Padraic shoots each of the three agents in turn. Padraic asks her to join him in the fight for a free Ireland, and she accepts. Having found love, they are about to execute Donny and Davey when Christy feebly rises up and apologizes to Padraic for killing his cat. Padraic, flying into a rage, drags Christy off into the next room to torture him before he dies.
Scene 9
Evening. The stage is by now strewn with blood and dismembered body parts. Padraic is quietly sitting on Christy's horribly mutilated corpse, clutching the body of Wee Thomas, which he has dug up from Donny's backyard. Donny and Davey are reluctantly chopping up the bodies of Brendan and Joey to prevent identification. Mairead enters, wearing a striking dress. She and Padraic discuss their plans for the future, perhaps forming their own splinter group, which Padraic calls "Wee Thomas's Army". Mairead mentions that she was unable to find her cat, Sir Roger, to say goodbye. Davey remembers with horror that the cat has been killed by Padraic. He retrieves the cat's collar and flings it out the window before the lovers can notice it. Padraic asks Mairead to marry him. She goes in the next room to wash the blood off her dress, and returns clutching the mangled body of Sir Roger. She kisses Padraic. As he relaxes in bliss, she draws both of his pistols and shoots him in the head. She commands Donny and Davey to clean up, promising to return the next day and investigate what Sir Roger was doing in the house in the first place. Bemoaning their luck, Donny and Davey continue to work when suddenly a meowing is heard and a black cat enters the house. It is, amazingly, Wee Thomas, who had been "out gallivanting" while a poor stray was mistakenly killed in his place. Donny and Davey express shock and anger that four men and two cats are dead for no good reason. They resolve to kill Wee Thomas in retribution. After holding the poor feline at gunpoint, however, they decide against it, and give it a bowl of frosties for supper, as Donny had previously been arguing Wee Thomas was fond of, as the play ends.
